I'm soon to be off. Am I ready?
I was thinking about a life motto the other day. There are some great ones, some are quite shit, and other's, well they get you thinking. I've been on my own before. I lived in my truck for a while finishing university, but i always had friends around. I've been in a relationship since i was 15, but i had my own time here and there. But when i do leave, my decisions will be my decisions. I'll be visiting friends, enjoy witnessing the bonds of two great people, running a muck during the world cup with my brother if he ever actually commits. He won't, he's on a good track right now and shouldn't mess it up for a few weeks of cross-cultural mayhem. Anyways, there's always Brazil 2014 Robert. I'm not saying if you put off life to long you'll miss it, I'm envious of his ambition and commitment, and you can always have your fun when you've retired, are fighting old age and old age ailments. Shit a bit sarcastic. Sorry brother, i repect the responsibilites you have, and most normal people have. I've never been one for following the book, unless I can write some of it myself, so I'll be irresponsible now, and we'll switch in a few years. Back to the motto that i have not eluded to directly yet. What sets a person up to be prepared for life? Peoples example, vicarious experience, experience itself, family, conversation, ambition, education, life values, religion, money, fear, lack of fear, prospects, past relationships, a hope for a better future, friends, the drive for life, reflection? If there was just one answer i reckon people would argue it to a pulp, and then argue with the pulp. Anyhow, I'll think about it later, now back to the bland truth of the matter. I'm soon to be off.
I haven't quite left so the title of this thing is a bit misleading. The preperations are still in full swing. I still have $600 to pay off a friend for the ticket anyway. Money seems to be a contnuing root to most struggles. I told myself to save some of it. I told myself to spend less this year. I tell myself there will always be more when i need it. I do not need it now. In a month or two I will, but i'll alreadey be gone by then. Gone in the sense of the term "not here. where i am now," not gone in the idea that i'm leaving everything behind. I'm not. There is actually something that makes me want to stay. That same something that makes me know i should go. I've come to find the true meaning of the word dilemma in the past weeks, and it is beautiful, difficult, angering, hopeful, busy, and trying to be patient. And how patient i'll need to be just to give my best to it if the chance ever arises. Crap, getting to close to it.
I've spent the past few months being around people I would always want to be around. Not everybody was there, but those who were just re-itereated the meaning of friendship, the struggles of relationship, and notion that people can be amazing. Thank you all for a summer to remember and share. And thank all of you I will see in the months to come.
The first place I am going is to see my brother in San Francisco. I am a ball of excitement, and half worry that I will not even make it out of the states with little more than a few dollars, but live it when it feels right, and when it doesn't, find something that does.
Yesterday, today, and tomorrow i am spending with my father. Now, I do not even know how to react to this. We haven't spent much time together over the past few years, and the times we had, well, there has been an uncomfortable undertone to our interaction. He's found himself some misfortune these last few months. Health issues have led to the loss of his job, a job that i think he loved, even though i'm not quite sure what his title even was. Yeah, we don't talk very much. The last time i tried to spend a night at my parents home it lasted a solid 30 minutes and ended in yelling(parents), crying (that would be my mother), apologizing for personal life choices (shit that one's me) and a dreaded yet relieving sense of our last encounter (me again). But, here I am, in the mist of his ill health and troubled times trying to make ammends. He's trying to make me a friend to quickly again i reckon, but hell, he's trying. I think we are going to mow the lawn today. That I think i will enjoy. Though, i prefer the sweet smell of fresh cut grass on a cool morning, an afternoon clipping will suffice. And, there's not much conversations with a lawn mower going so we'll find ourselves, nodding, laughing, pointing, and shaking our heads, oh yeah and I'll be sweating.
Last night my parents surprised me by having a few close friends of mine come to their house for kind of a late birthday party for me. I guess they can read me better than i thought they could because even though i said i'd spend a few days at their house, i really ment around their house so i can catch up with good people before i depart. I think it was their sneaky way of keeping me around. Or maybe, they were trying to make up for the last year or so. Or maybe they were trying to guilt me into thinking they have always cared. Or maybe they were just being good friends and parents. I wish i could believe it was the last one.
This kind of sounds like a sad story. It's not. We have had our chance to be happy, and i will have it many times over again.
I'm nearly gone from NH. I've waited 26 years for it. I'm only suppose to go for 10 or so months, but my tickets do not expire until 2075, so who knows, maybe this is the beginning of a trip, one that doesn't come fully around. But. It will. I'm coming back for one reason. If that reason changes, that's life, not the one i could hope for, but one that i will live.
On a side note I have to sow a button onto my shorts. Last minute nending if you will. I am horrible witht thread and buttons. I've become better at breaking buttons off of trousers and shorts. I'm not clumsy, I just try to figure out new ways to take my pants off sometimes and my ensemble is not always ready for it. I found the button though, with help from some good friends after a weekend of boston shananigans, after a full day or two of half attentive search. There it was, in the cushion of the couch, all by itself. You can find heaps of fun stuff in couch cushions. My brother and I once found about twenty dollars in change. It doesn't sound like a lot, but we were young, money was hard to come by, and twenty bucks went a long way over a adolescent summer. Anyway, a few more days and it begins, or contiues, maybe it began before the summer started and i made the decision to do it, along with the help from Momo. She doesn't like Momo any more but i doubt she would care to read this anyway. That's a story worth thinking about someday. But for now.... here comes the motto...
I'm soon to be off. Am i ready? READY.
