Smile for the others (goodbye dad)

You left us here without goodbye.
I'll hold her hand as she will still cry.
Fare the well I know you're better
off where you are.

Smile for the others
that still stand here.
Look after my mother
she holds onto those sweet years.
Be afraid of no moment that you had among us.
Be in love with forever,
it's how long you'll have us.

Tonight was another night gone.
And hopeful days will soon carry on.
And awful memories will find a place in my heart.
Better to argue then be apart.

Smile for the others
that still stand here.
Look after my mother
she holds onto those sweet years.
Be afraid of no moment that you had among us.
Be in love with forever,
it's how long you'll have us.

Smile for the others.

Beautiful and Damned

Somebody should have said sorry.
I know it don't come easy.
I've been alone a lot lately.

Sometimes this house feels so lonely.
Then when you're right next to me.
I overheard someone leaving.

Sad little girl.

Your eyes, red like a rose.
Your hands, bleeding and broke.
I believe in time.
Time can heal your wounds if you can't.
You're beautiful and damned.

Daylight saves what the nighttime brings.
Can't forget our wedding rings.
I know you're right and how strong you must be
to be with me.

Sad little girl.

Your eyes, red like a rose.
Your hands, bleeding and broke.
I believe in time.
Time can heal your wounds if you can't.
You're beautiful and damned.
You're beautiful and damned.

Sad little girl.

unabashed and tranquil

it's a won't wait revolution
keeping busy doing nothing for my next illusion
stand still causes all confusions
God, you got to be on the run

first step brings the full momentum
can't stop until the next thing gets done
pills help for my minds receptions
slowing down never helped anyone

pick a pace, find your space and get on going
in your vein, take the pain so dreams are flowing
love the artificial push

next line just in time to keep eyes open
impose candy nose yeah dopes for doping
feel the fight in every rush

it's now a can't move fiasco
smokey apple still makes me slow
head back relaxes all the blood flow
God has known what this does harm.

on your knees you plead for mercy
in your hands you hold faith loosely
it's your body that shakes profusely
it's your soul that craves the calm

masterpiece

cut this cord
i'm old enough now
lock me out
i'll make my way
don't look back
cause i'm looking forward
you'll never see me
in need again

swing past the better times into the present times
take a handle on what's going on
find in the older ways some colder days
lose your grip and still march on

take all your shots with what you got love
you'd be a fool to not want it all
your claim to fame is that you will never blame
your circumstances on us all

cut this cord
i'm old enough now
lock me out
i'll make my way
don't look back
cause i'm looking forward
you'll never see me
in need again

find your peace in all the pieces
don't forget that it's always there
this puzzle isn't for the weak ones
it's for you and it's right here

one by one pull yourself together
find the way life sets you free
and in the end you can stare in wonder
see that you're a masterpiece

cut this cord
i'm old enough now
lock me out
i'll make it my way
don't look back
cause i'm looking forward
you'll never see me
in need again

Warden

I am twenty seven and live at home with my parents. Most people would think that makes me sad and a loser, and they just might be right. And like others in my place, I don't want to be in this situation, but I am. I am because I was trying to help them. I was trying to help them move into a smaller place. I was trying to help them with their drinking addictions. I was trying to help be a third person in the chaos that is their emotional relationships. I was trying to help them feel like they were doing the best they can.

The problem with that, I have no feeling that they are even trying. It doesn't appear that they even want help. They say they want help, but I think they even know they are pretending. The circumstance stands in its entirety, that the only reason they want me here is so they don't have to hate each other. They have some other sucker for the position. And this sucker isn't sure he has anything left. Hell, he spends more money then he has eating by himself at the nearest restaurant closest to his house, staring at anything, trying to not think, because thinking about how to help has brought the situation nothing.

Dad has been in and out of four rehab facilities in the past year, none of which has nay effect because "they are out to get me" he says "people who are out to get you can't help you." I agree with that, people who are out to get you can't help you. It just sucks to discover that it turns out people who are out to help him can't help him either.

He spends the majority, and this means about eighteen to twenty hours a day sleeping on his bed or on the couch in the living room. It's fine when he's in his room because I can't see him. But, when he is on the couch he just lays there wiht a blanket over his entire body, including his face and head, shaking violently underneath as if in a conscious seizure, because his body can't be calm without alcohol. That's when he disappears somewhere; woods, basement, leaves in a car, and if there is no car attempts to leave on the lawn mower until the keys are taken away, or calls a taxi, and always says he is either "taking the garbage down" or "getting gas for the lawn mower." And like magic he return stumbling through the yard and house, props himself on a chair like a pen trying to stand on end, hat cocked halfway off his head, sunglasses with a limp, eyes unopened and teeters for a while. But the shakes are gone. The most frequent words I hear him say "why don't you just stay out of my business?" Sorry dad, I'll try harder to do just that.

My mother prides herself on trying to tell me how long it's been since her last drink. She is actually proud when she makes up a number she thinks I will believe. Tonight the number was almost two weeks. I saw her stalking her way from the outside deck to the far woods of the lawn, holding something under her shirt, looking back to the house in constant alert, like a cat when it hears an unfamiliar noise, making sure no one was paying attention. She then threw something into the woods. When she came in the house I asked her if she thought doing that way a healthy action. She said she didn't think it was, but she was afraid to drink in her own house because of ridicule. I asked her how many more beers she had stashed outside somewhere. She told me none, it was the only one, and she found it in the old potting shed. She said she opened it behind the hot tub where no one could see because when she opened it it smelled so bad she didn't want anyone to have to smell it. Thanks mom for looking out for us.

My mother asked me why it was ok for me to go out and have a drink or a few drinks when I want, but it's not ok for her too, even at her own house. I tried to explain because I'm not feeding an addiction that is killing her, and seriously killing her husband. So she used the second most common phrase there is in this household. She, as well as my dad, very often "feel like they are a prisoner in their own house." That sucks. Both of my parents are prisoners in their own house. And what a prison it is. It even had a new multiple thousand dollar roof built over the deck outside so they can sit on their outdoor couches without being rained or snowed on. It's a prison that has no locked doors, big comfortable beds, the intended help of family members, and thousands of little nooks and crannies to hide alcohol, thought he favorites are inside the trash bins, inside the grass collectors of the lawn mower, storage containers in the basement, and the very tricky, kitchen cupboards where they expect no one to look. My favorite trick is when they say they bought it for me, and somehow it disappears without me ever enjoying any.

Locked in a prison in their own house. I guess it can kind of feel like that when I try and take access away in the respect of vehicles. You know the old don't let drunk people drive cars prison sentence. But even then, it doesn't always work. For example, because of the multiple number of extra car keys that have been cut so that even when taken away there is still a hidden key somewhere, my dad managed to back one of the cars halfway off a hill so that the car was completely resting on its undercarriage and the back too wheels were spinning freely. His way of fixing the situation was simple, to go inside and fall asleep, even when AAA was there towing the car away near midnight. The consequence of the incident, I was told the other car couldn't be taken so he didn't feel stranded at his own house because it wasn't his fault the other car wasn't there, and in all honesty,, he probably had no recollection of even causing the problem.

So those of you feeling locked in a prison of their own house don't worry anymore. The warden is obviously not effective and doesn't know how to run a proper prison. Good luck with rehabilitation. It will probably be more effective if you actually want help. The warden is moving out.

city living

brick red walls enclose me in
i drag along an alleyway
and scuff my boots through wind blown rubbish
lightly slowed by oily puddles
the moon stays out behind clothes lines hanging
it's crescent crown pushed against ventilation steam
hands are littered with blood and soot
hair slicked with sweat and time
my knees don't bend as they once did
that rotting smell of dumpsters filling
the pores of cardboard houses
i'll tuck myself against a curbside
sundays edition as insulation
on these late October nights
that ring the bells that autumns on us
when breath is something we now see
and cracked hands crumble brushed on concrete
the floor of the city shrinks and hardens
we eat tomorrow when we really need to
tonight we sleep like restless inmates
the day before we're all set free

so they believe it

in our finest moments we settle ourselves
to thinking of what we want
where we want to go
where i see myself in days along
the choices that set us on our way
to where we hope to be
the magic of a chance encounter
to lay beneath an umbrella tree
i've still not seen

and be bold
so we are remembered
and be loud
so we are heard
and be seen
so those take notice
and be us
so they believe it

little lady curls

little lady lay down curls unwound
a call to me clearly unknown
careful little lady claws come out
and these paws are all about
and come someday i'll take us home
and both are folks will be well known
be well known

and i'll pick you flowers
but i want you to pick them with me
we can love for hours
and all the days in between

little lady lay down we're here to rest
i don't know how to pray
but i know how to feel with hope and faith
i'll flick your hair and grab your little ankles
lay a blanket down so we can soak some sun
have you laughing with my arm around dear
folks will be well known by everyone
well known by everyone

and come to long i'll ask you for a wedding
and come to long you'll ask me for a babe
little flowers tucked in little lady curls
these little things will become big someday
and i can tell my mother the reason why i'm smiling
and there's a chance i can tell my dad the same
and your folks someday will know that we are living
folks someday will know that we belong
folks someday will thank us for our patience
little lady looks good on my left arm

Dando

been away
i've been away too long
I lost my way as I ran away
walking backwards trudging on

past a field
with a lone growing baby tree
sat right down and smelled the dirt
that helps to stand this baby tree

across the way i see a line
of trees and brush that hold me out
scratch my arms as I walk in
never to come back again

I am one with the darkness seen
flesh and bone and everything
coloured roof of plush red pine
fire sky come evening time

*i've been gone before,
how can i be gone again
my dear friend*

Dando